71. Radical Self-Trust and The Art of Letting Go with Shay.

In this solo episode, Shay shares her wisdom on the themes of self-trust and the art of letting go. She reflects on her personal journey through difficult relationships and the importance of integrity in building trust with oneself and others. This solo drop is a reminder for anyone who has forgotten the power of their internal compass. If you can trust yourself, you can trust the decisions you make in your relationships, careers, and the life you choose to pursue. This is the pep talk you didn't know you needed. 

Key Moments

• Self-trust is essential for making aligned decisions.
• Integrity in relationships is built through consistent actions.
• Letting go can be a necessary part of personal growth.
• Recognizing when to release unhealthy relationships is crucial.
• Micro promises to oneself build self-trust over time.
• The past does not define the present; people can change.
• Grief often accompanies growth and change.
• It's important to have a support system during tough times.
• Self-awareness helps in recognizing unhealthy patterns.
• Trusting oneself leads to better relationships with others.

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Chapters

• 0:00 The Journey of Self-Trust
• 10:39 Navigating Relationships and Integrity
• 18:28 The Art of Letting Go

Transcript

Shay Frago (00:00.846)
All right. Hello, hello, everyone. Welcome to a solo episode with Shay. I am stoked to be having a conversation with you guys on self-trust and the art of letting go, knowing when to let go and just those transitional moments in life that bring you to your knees. And if you've been listening, you know that

Both Becca and I have been going through just very human seasons lately. And I feel like I am coming out on the other side with lots of lessons and growth and expansion and integration. And just realizing so much how self-trust was a really, really big theme. And really in hindsight, learning my patterns of holding on when I probably

need to let go and I feel like so many of you out there probably go through something similar if you're anything like me and it's really hard to let go because of things that have happened in my childhood. I have had abandonment wounds. I have craved having parental figures that sometimes I give people the benefit of the doubt but at a I don't want to say sacrifice but

kind of almost a sacrifice. definitely compromises what I need. And so I really, really wanted to talk about that. And yeah, so.

Shay Frago (01:52.29)
Before we dive into the episode, I wanted to say happy May. My heart is feeling very, very full and nourished and really excited for the month of May. I feel like the pages have been turning and yeah, life just feels really good again. And I feel like I'm finally coming back home to myself after this hard.

season and all the lessons that were served and the growth that has been happening and I just feel like this is gonna be a really incredible month. So I'm stoked on it and I hope y'all are too. I'm not sure when you'll hear this episode, but whenever it is, happy May, happy June, summer, what have you, but that is what is feeling alive in my world today. All right, so let's go ahead and dive in.

I actually was inspired to do this episode from a therapy session I did not too long ago and I was just reflecting on life, on things and I was like, I'm really struggling to trust myself and I feel like I had been struggling to trust myself and I really want to get back to a place where I feel like I trust who I am, I trust my intuition.

I just I trust myself to make a decision that is best for me and reminding myself that you simply just cannot fuck it up in your own life. I feel like I definitely have held this fear over the course of my life of feeling like I can make a wrong choice. And I feel like the older I get and the further along I get in my personal development journey and just the relationship with myself, I realize you just cannot fuck it up. There is never a wrong choice.

because whatever choice you make is going to give you a new timeline, it is going to give you new information and it is going to help you see what is aligned and what isn't aligned. And maybe it feels like a wrong choice, but it's actually not because every choice you make is going to provide you feedback and that feedback is only going to lead you closer and closer to alignment. And I like to believe that

Shay Frago (04:06.22)
God-sourced spirit, whatever higher power you believe in, also will intervene because we obviously have free will and will totally intervene if something is just a hard no in your life and you're having struggles letting go. And I remember her asking me and I was like, I felt like I was stopped in my tracks a little bit because I like, I just want to have more self-trust and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And she's like, okay, she's like, okay, take a moment to pause and take a deep breath. And she's like, I want...

to ask you, why is it that you trust other people? What makes you trust other people in your life? And how do other people gain your trust? And I was like, through consistent actions. It was like, no brainer, quick answer. I didn't stumble upon it. I was like having consistent actions, like saying what they say they will do. And then she's like, well, that would make sense because integrity is a huge value of

And when I think of the word integrity and what it means to me aside from the obvious definition is really following through and it reminds me of the four agreements one of my favorite books where they say be impeccable with your word it is so important to me that when someone says they're gonna do something they follow through and if for whatever reason they can't follow through because life is gonna life and whatnot and I don't expect perfection by any means then You know you communicate

you communicate like, hey, like, I know that we have this plan. So I actually have to change it. Or I know that I said I was going to do X, Y, Z, but something came up. Like that communication piece is super important, but that follow through has to be there. I would say like 90 % of the time in my relationships for me to really cultivate trust with you. And when I think of all of my friendships and some of the best dating experiences I had or

men that I was with in the past and stuff, I fully freaking trust people when they have been consistent with their word. Obviously at the beginning of getting to know any new friend or any new person that you're dating, there's going to take some time for that trust to be built. But are their words matching their actions? Is there congruency? And I think that is so important when you are learning to trust other people. At least that's something for me.

Shay Frago (06:32.058)
is being impeccable with your word, being in integrity and living what you say you are because that energy is also felt. And I just truly believe that vibes don't lie and that energy will always be felt. And so when she asked me that and I really reflected on like, okay, what does trust mean to me in all of my closest relationships?

And then we kind of had this whole other conversation of like, why do you feel that your self-trust has been broken? I was like, honestly, I just haven't really been following through on my word. And a huge part of that was not necessarily because I didn't want to or because I lack integrity. It's a huge value of mine. And I was going through a really difficult time of my life. I was...

experiencing my relationship breakdown, I was experiencing this person that I loved get not well. And eventually, I think I'll share what I specifically went through. But for now, I will just say that I was in a relationship that started off really beautiful. And everyone has stuff. And human beings go through tough things. And I believe when our mental health is not well.

we deteriorate on really showing up in integrity and really being able to give the people in our life the things that they need. And so my relationship slowly but surely fell apart. And I started to feel like nothing in that relationship. And so I am someone who likes to help the people in my life so much that it can cost me my own wellbeing sometimes. And overall, I would say I did a pretty dang good job.

staying true to myself, staying true to my values while supporting this person that I really, really loved and cared for. And unfortunately it did not work out. And throughout that entire process, I was exhausted. I was exhausted. I was constantly anxious. I was really stressed out. I was in a triggered state. My nervous system was so dysregulated because it was bringing up a lot of my own childhood trauma.

Shay Frago (08:52.63)
It was bringing up some of my abandonment loons and I was having my own very real human experience and struggle while this other person was struggling and I was trying to be a supportive partner and person in his life. And with that, my goals kind of took a backside. My...

Health kind of took a backside. I only had so much capacity and bandwidth to show up to my life. And from the outside looking in, I was doing it because I was working out. I showed up for my business. I was going to work. I was doing my best to be present with friends. know, like I was still living my life, but it was really survival mode. And I was operating from survival mode, where I was like,

If I don't socialize, I might go crazy. If I don't work out, like, I will go crazy. Like, I needed to do these things to help me get through the day. I wasn't doing it because I, because I wanted, just because I wanted to. You know, like when life is in flow and things are good and you're happy and, and your relationships are good, like everything's just good.

and you're flowing and so you do the personal development work because you're curious and you want to or it's simply maintenance for you or you're going to therapy just because I want to grow and why not let's see what's here for me and you go work out because you're like working out makes me feel good and you socialize because you're bringing joy and fun and play. I usually live my life like that and of course life is gonna life there are going to be seasons where you're just like drop to your knees.

and you're just like, surrender to the journey and this is where I'm at and things are hard. So I had to go to therapy because I genuinely needed support or I might've gone insane. And I worked out because I needed to at least move my body. Otherwise, I probably would've been a little bit depressed and just stayed in bed all the time. I socialized with my friends because it was like, it was good for me. I like literally needed to do it in order to not be...

Shay Frago (11:06.606)
so down and so low with what I was experiencing, it really helped me get through these hard seasons. And it's why I really think it's important to have a toolbox, to have support systems, to have friends you can talk to when you're going through hard things, because we are not meant to do it alone. And I know I'm someone who will get in mildly depressive states where I'll just like stay in bed. And I just...

hermit from the world and cocoon and so I literally encourage and make myself do the things that are going to make my human operate better and come out of survival mode a little bit. But because I wasn't following through on certain goals that I had set and certain things I wanted to accomplish in my life or

I would bail on plans a little bit more often than usual. I wasn't operating at my best self. And I have grace for it. My friends have grace for it. And nobody hold me to it because I was going through a difficult period of life and that's gonna happen. And I think it is about having grace with yourself. And in those moments, I broke trust with myself because I didn't completely follow through on my word. I wasn't doing the things that I said I wanted to do.

Often when I did I was just so exhausted or in a constant state of stress that I just like did not have the capacity to use my brain or my energy in a way that I needed to in order to move the needle forward primarily on my goals. I would say that's not going to necessarily be the case for everybody. It might be something different for you. Maybe you tell a friend or a partner or someone in your family that you're going to do XYZ and you don't follow through.

But really, what I want to ground in this is talking about what are all the things that you tell yourself in your life. And let's just operate off of today. And I'm going to assume that you are in a flow with your life and you're good. Like nothing really should hold you back from following through on your word right now because life is good. And I want you to kind of just take a moment to pause and think like,

Shay Frago (13:19.414)
When have you said, I'm gonna work out and then skip the workout? When have you said, I'm gonna start XYZ habit, maybe it's drinking more water and then you don't? When have you said that you wanna accomplish a goal and maybe you take one or two steps consistently for a couple days and then just don't follow through? So then you just don't have, you don't accomplish that goal. When have you told yourself that you're gonna go to bed earlier and then you don't?

When have you told yourself you're gonna wake up earlier and then you don't and you sleep in and your morning's just like shit. All those micro moments that you say you're gonna do something and that you don't subconsciously create a lack of trust with yourself. So if you don't trust yourself when it comes to the bigger things like choosing a partner or raising kids or picking a job, all those things that require

bigger expansion in our nervous systems and our bodies to be able to feel comfortable and hold these little micro moments add up. And so then if you can't trust yourself to follow through to like make it to the workout or drink more water or these things that are super basic, right? Not always the easiest, but super basic. It's going to be 10,000 times harder for you to trust yourself to make a decision and listen to your instincts and listen to the wisdom that you.

innately carry on those bigger moments. And this is what was happening to me for months. I was breaking these micro promises when it came to my goals or certain little things because I was I was exhausted and it's okay. Like I have I have compassion for what I was going through and the version of me that existed like six months ago and that lack of trust that was broken between me and myself.

carried through post this stressful season. And so I would say over the last couple of months, I have really just been struggling to trust myself and being like, my God, like I'm not gonna be able to accomplish things and just in these mental spirals of being down on myself and not feeling connected to myself, which is just not a fun feeling at all. And kind of going through the motions and just feeling.

Shay Frago (15:39.086)
just so disconnected from my life, like feeling like I was kind of disconnected from my community a little bit. Like I was talking to them, but I was just like, I just don't feel like myself. Not feeling motivated to do my workouts, not feeling very motivated to do the things I knew I needed to do to move the needle forward in my business. Just not feeling very motivated period. And just feeling so discombobulated and disconnected from my life, which is often a sign that something is not aligned.

and there's a lack of relationship with yourself. And so I had to go back to the basics, to making baby promises to myself and taking baby steps to rewrite the micro moments that I broke self-trust with myself, to be impeccable with my own word, to be integrity with my own word. And I started small. I was like, okay, me and my therapist had made a plan. Like how many workouts can we commit to?

100 % this week. Like what do feel you have the capacity to do this week? Because I was also like healing and coming off of like a very stressful season in my life. So she's like, let's start with baby steps and building that self trust muscle again and keeping your word to yourself because if trust for me means I build trust with people because they follow through on the word and they're consistent with their actions. And that means I get to follow through on my word and be consistent with my actions because that's what trust means to me.

Trust might mean something different to you. So when you hear me say the question, what does trust mean to you? That immediate answer is what matters. And once you figure out what your definition of trust means, then you need to start looking at yourself and your own life and are you doing that? And then you get to implement. For me, it started off with my workouts. It's like, I wanted to build my workouts back up. was like, you know what?

I know without a shadow of a doubt I can make two workouts a week. So I committed to those two workouts a week after two to three weeks of consistently doing two. I felt like, heck yeah, I can do more. I added a third, added a fourth. Now I'm at about four to five workouts, which was my goal. And so it feels really good because I'm like, okay, like I'm back where I want to be. I'm building that trust back up with myself. And then I applied it to another area of my life with my business. I was like, all right, there's

Shay Frago (17:57.89)
certain amount of content pieces I want to get out and a certain amount of times I want to show up on stories and promote my offerings. So I made these little baby things and then now I get to expand from it. I stayed pretty consistent with it and now I'm in the expansion season, which is awesome. And it feels so good because I have that trust muscle with myself built up and I continue to build it up and I continue to do things where I'm going to be consistent with the actions that I say I'm going to do. And that has helped me immensely to build that self trust.

Which brings me to the art of letting go. I am coming off of a season where hindsight's 20-20, right? And I probably could have left the situation that I was in a lot sooner. I feel like intuitively and instinctively, I kind of knew this was going to happen, but I was holding on to a lot of hope. And that's a pattern of mine. And...

I actually had a moment where I didn't like this part of myself where I just believe in the best in people and I have believed in the best in people my entire life and I have really struggled with this because I've also believed in the best in my parents and namely if you are new to my story and haven't heard it at all, I have a hard relationship with my mom.

And I actually don't really have a relationship with my mom at all. And it was really, really difficult for me for a long time. And a huge part of it is that I love my mom and she does the best she can. She had me very young at 15 years old and she has her own stuff to deal with. And at this point, my mom, having my mom in my life causes me more pain and...

It just causes me more pain and it takes away from the peace that I have worked so hard to create. And I have done a lot of work on myself to be where I am today and to have the forgiveness and the compassion for my mom. And literally the door is always open should she ever decide that she wants a healthy relationship with me. And ultimately I have come to terms and found peace with the fact that my mom may never.

Shay Frago (20:18.892)
be in my life and I may never have a relationship with her and the little girl inside me really struggled with that for a long long time and because of that and the way my mom was throughout my upbringing has caused me to hold on and fight for love and fight for people that come into my life for way longer than they probably should be.

And although I believe everyone deserves an opportunity to grow and rise and show you that they can have a healthy place in your life, sometimes people just are not meant to be in your life. And they could be wonderful and have incredibly redeeming qualities about them and ultimately still not be aligned. And you could love someone and still need to let them go. And you can care about someone and still know that they're not good.

for you and to be in your life. And I am talking in a dating context right now, although I have had this in a family context with my own mother. I've also had this in friendships. And from a very young age, I primed myself to hold on tightly and I needed to as a little girl because if I didn't have a relationship with my mother and I

cut my mother out at a young age that wouldn't have worked because my mom was one of my sole caretakers. I needed her literally for survival. And so my nervous system and the way my neurological pathways are and subconsciously, I've always kind of attached like the little girl inside of me where it's like, I can't let this person go because it could be do or die. It's survival mode.

Right? Like we need our parents to survive and to live when we're younger. But as adults, we don't need people like that anymore. And I didn't necessarily understand this until I knew a little bit more about my trauma. And I'm talking about like little T trauma, like we all have stuff, right? And

Shay Frago (22:33.568)
Until I really understood this about myself is that from a younger age, I needed people to survive. But as an adult, I don't. But from a nervous system standpoint, a book I highly recommend is called The Body Keeps Score. And our bodies remember everything. And so when a situation feels familiar to something when you are younger, then

your nervous system is going to react as if you were that little kid again. And in this particular experience I was having, my nervous system went into a state of shock, I would say, and I was reacting to this experience because it felt eerily similar to something I had gone through with my mom growing up. And even though it was not

the exact same situation, wasn't even the same person, I wasn't even in the same kind of like danger or anything, but my body and my nervous system perceived the threat. And so then I was in a fight or flight mode and I was in a state of dysregulation. And so it was really, really hard to tune into my instincts and to...

understand the cognitive distortion that was happening, that my current situation was not the situation I was in when I was younger, where I really didn't have power or control over my environment. I didn't really have any autonomy in that way because I was a kid. I kind of had to let my parents run the show and I didn't really have a place to use my voice. And so I had found myself suppressing my voice.

not trusting my instincts, the alarm bells going off, but not knowing what to do kind of in a freeze response. And I deeply cared for this person as well. So it was a tough decision to be able to like walk away. And I think I had many micro moments where I was like, I know that this relationship isn't giving me what I need anymore, but I still care about this person and I want to give them the opportunity to grow. And I love that about myself, but

Shay Frago (24:48.15)
something I have learned is that often when someone shows you who they are the first time, that's who they are. And it doesn't matter. I think this is the biggest thing I took away too, is that it just, doesn't matter who a person once was. Like I had been with this person for about a year and I was like, okay, but a year ago, this person was like everything I could have wanted. And I just like,

was holding on to this past version of him that existed. And I was like, but if it existed then then we can get back there. That is true. That is absolutely true. And we know when a person is going to step up, show up, do the work that they need to do to be the best version of themselves. And this is why I'm personally so passionate about the personal growth and self-help world is because I believe when you are deciding and choosing and

actively taking actions in your life to better yourself and to be the best version of yourself and to develop the skill sets that you need to be a good friend, a good partner, just like a good person in this world based off of your values. When you are actively putting in the work there to understand yourself, understand your triggers, understand the things that like bring you down, understand your inner critic, understand

your shadow self, just like really understand both the light and the dark pieces of you and develop a relationship with all of it. This allows you to just be a better human on this planet. And it really allows you to be a better partner, better friend, better son, better daughter, just better for the people around you because you are filling your cup up and you under understand yourself at a level that really allows you to just be able to relate to other people. And

I think when you lack awareness of why certain things happen in your life and you're repeating patterns, then you're going to continue to repeat those patterns. And I would witness this. I've witnessed it in friends. I witnessed it in previous relationships and the one that I was just in where I saw patterns. And it was really difficult because I was like, okay, this person once was this person, but the person who's sitting in front of me today,

Shay Frago (27:12.45)
I don't like this person. And that was like a hard pill to swallow. was like, I really don't like this person. I don't like how I feel around this person anymore. And I just didn't like certain things. It didn't feel right anymore. And it was heartbreaking and difficult. And I was holding on, holding on to hope so desperately. And I realize now this is where the art of letting go comes through. Because instinctively, I knew what was possible. However, I did not.

feel that this person was very serious about arriving to that destination because actions did not match words. And although I have compassion for people's journeys, I also am learning about myself that I tolerate a little bit more than the average person because of my upbringing. And I feel that

Tolerating a person's behaviors and actions and whatnot is not the healthiest thing to do. And this is where I give people a little too much grace and a little bit too much opportunity. And although I love that about myself, we get to have very loving boundaries around what we will tolerate and not tolerate. And I am someone who's pretty damn clear on my values and what is a yes and what is a no to me.

And so much of what I was experiencing in this relationship towards the end was just such a no. And in hindsight, I'm like, wow, like I really just kind of abandoned that to give a person an opportunity. And although I'm glad I did, and there's no regrets, and I genuinely am so grateful for the relationship and the lessons and the growth.

that I am getting to experience because of what I went through, even though it was probably one of the hardest things I've gone through, honestly. I'd say definitely in the top three categories of the hardest things I've ever gone through in my life. And I can really find the gratitude because I do believe that everything happens for a reason. And I'm not sure that I needed to learn the lessons this way, but...

Shay Frago (29:31.468)
I learned the lessons in this way and I feel like I was able to extract so much wisdom, so much growth, identify patterns in myself that just don't work, don't serve me anymore. And I get to let it go. I get to let go of past hurt. I get to let go of past tremors. I get to let go of past stories and beliefs that I had around myself. And really my invitation with this one is if you are going through

something right now in your life where you're like at one point this really fulfilled me and it really made me happy but it doesn't anymore it's okay because that's life that's life that's being human it sucks it's painful it's gut-wrenching and i definitely wish it was not a part of our experience but the truth is what once was good for us sometimes isn't anymore and

You have to and you get to and I know that you want to trust yourself enough to have the courage to walk away, to set yourself free, but not only you, the other person, because I know that I was gripping and pushing and not accepting this person for where they were at all. I wanted them to change and although

I stand by the fact that certain change is really good for people. People need to change for themselves. They cannot change for you. And they have to want to change. They have to want to take a look at things. They have to want to do the things that are gonna make them better. And if they don't agree with you and they don't see how that change could be better for them, then it's not aligned. And it's a really hard pill to swallow because...

For me, at least, the biggest lesson was like, how is it that I love this person so much? And I was genuinely thinking about building a life with them and saw a future with them to be in this position now, to look at them and be like, I feel like you're a stranger and I don't like this version of you. And this version of you is not someone that is good for me anymore. And it is jarring to have that experience because

Shay Frago (31:54.102)
then it makes you question a lot about yourself. And this is where what I was talking about at the beginning of the episode is so important, that self trust piece and reminding yourself what that feels like. Because if you have that with yourself, then you're going to know what it feels like with another person. And if you don't feel that with another person, then you really get to take a hard look at what the situation is and seeing if there is a way forward. Because sometimes there is.

And sometimes there isn't and you get to embrace the art of letting go and trusting and having the courage to let go. And often I believe when we struggle to let go, God, source, spirit, universe, whatever higher power you believe in will intervene and make the situation feel less and less comfortable, less and less peaceful because your higher power is encouraging you to take that leap of faith.

to leave, to let go, because it no longer serves you to create that space. And it is hard. A couple quotes that I really love that helped me in seasons and moments of this and knowing when to let go is, number one, there is grief and expansion. When you are expanding and you are growing and you are evolving your old life, your old relationships, sometimes your old jobs, but your old life, everything that comes with it.

Not everything that comes with it actually, I take that back. But your old life to some degree is gonna cost you your new one. And so when you are growing and evolving and calling in a bigger life, a bigger vision, things that you want for yourself, your old life is gonna crumble. There are parts of your life that are gonna crumble and they are meant to. And find the gratitude in that. And this is where the art of letting go comes through. Do you trust yourself enough to allow that to happen? And come back like a phoenix from the ashes,

rising with this new lesson, this new expansion, this new vessel, a new opportunity to live a life that feels more fulfilling, more aligned. Without needing to let anything that happened be so heavy or so negative, like let yourself feel the feelings, but you can still have gratitude, you can still have love, you You can be love and still have boundaries and...

Shay Frago (34:16.202)
all of the things because it's so hard to do when you are in these seasons and these moments. And then another quote that I want to leave you guys with that I saw that really hit home is that,

Okay, so another final quote that I want to leave you guys with is, the universe will never give you peace in something you were never meant

in something you were never meant to settle in. And I remember reading that and being like, that hits because there have been so many moments in my life, job, relationships, friendships.

behaviors, habits of mine where I did not feel peace. I did not feel peace at all. I didn't feel fulfilled at all. And I do believe in a higher power that supports us, allows us our free will, all those things, and ultimately knows when you're not on the right path. And when you're not on the right path, there is friction, there is...

It feels heavy. feels like you're walking through mud and there's gonna be moments in life that's just just being human and that's just life and you do have more control than you think because we can get ourselves out of most situations I'd say and often if it's not bringing you peace and it feels like you're just trying and trying and trying and

Shay Frago (36:06.078)
dog paddling towards something so much so, but it feels like it's getting harder and harder to get there. And you're just like, why isn't it getting better? I think you get to ask yourself, is this even aligned anymore? Does this even make sense to happen in my life anymore? And it is not easy. It is not easy, but this is where the art of letting go comes through. And this is where cultivating that self trust is so freaking important.

because when you trust yourself enough and you have that unshakable foundation with yourself, everything else comes a little bit easier and there's gonna be grief, there's gonna be discomfort, it's gonna be messy, it's not gonna be fun and it'll always, always, always be worth it. Yeah. Okay. That's all I have for you guys today.

I'd be super curious to know what you think. Are you going through a letting go season? What's your relationship to trust, self-trust? Please let me know in the comments. DM me, share this episode with anyone you think would resonate with it, and I will catch you guys on the next solo episode. Thanks for being here.