62. What To Do When You Can't Control Life? Let Go and Let God with Rebecca.

In this solo episode, Rebecca shares her personal journey with grief, life transitions, and the importance of letting go and trusting in a God/Universe/Higher Power. She reflects on her father's battle with cancer, the lessons learned from navigating chaos, and the significance of community and therapy in her healing process. Throughout the episode, she emphasizes the duality of human experience, the need for acceptance, and the rediscovery of connection to God and rituals in everyday life.

Key Moments

• The challenges of navigating grief and life transitions.
• The importance of letting go and trusting in a higher power.
• Rebecca shares her personal journey with her father's cancer diagnosis and passing.
• The significance of community support during difficult times.
• The role of therapy in processing grief and finding clarity is discussed.
• Rebecca reflects on the importance of finding peace and pleasure in small moments.
• The concept of acceptance in the face of uncertainty.
• The need to reconnect with spiritual practices and rituals.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction and Personal Reflections
• 3:07 Navigating Grief and Life Transitions
• 10:00 The Power of Letting Go
• 18:56 Embracing the Unknown and Trusting the Process
• 25:00 The Role of Therapy and Community
• 32:24 Finding Peace and Pleasure in Chaos
• 39:19 Rediscovering Connection to God and Rituals

Transcript

Rebecca Espinoza (00:01.474)
Hello everyone, welcome back to another episode of Vida. This is a solo episode with me and it's been a while since I hopped on the mic solo. We were on quite a bit of hiatus and then we were doing a bit of planning for the season and took a lot of breaks because of a lot of individual challenges we were both navigating.

with life and some very big, deep initiations. But yeah, I've had a moment where I definitely feel like I'm losing the spark for Vida because I haven't been actively in it. And this is something, this is a project and an experience and a creative outpour of love that I don't want to lose. So...

Today I am here doing this solo episode because I actually have time. So I have just been going through some very big life transitions and navigations and adjustments from 2024 that are still, you know, trickling into 2025, of course, because just because it's a new year, I am recording this on January 9th, 2025. Just because it's a new year doesn't mean that the shit from

The year before it doesn't follow us into the new year. And yeah, I think, you know, actually I believe in, you know, the ways of the witch, which, you know, used to be more of, you know, being connected to the cycles of the earth. And in these practices and, you know, the way the path of the green witch or even the practices of the indigenous. The new year didn't start until March because that's when

flowers and the earth started blooming again. And in the winter, it's January and that's the start technically of the new year and the Gregorian calendar. It's still cold and we feel like we're in hibernation because the earth is still in hibernation. So right now I feel like I'm still integrating some big life changes that happened at the end of the year, which, you know, was in fall, basically the end of the year.

Rebecca Espinoza (02:27.246)
each year is still fall, December it's fall into winter and that is

Rebecca Espinoza (02:37.186)
Those are big moments of internal reflection during the fall, I feel like. So I feel like I'm still in that energy and I'm honoring that. I'm not putting, I'm trying not to put so much pressure on myself to have things figured out, but this is kind of what this episode is about. So I'm checking in with you today on this kind of vulnerable episode, but what's new? That's kind of, that's what our, that's just our thing here, being vulnerable.

So this episode is on the topic of letting go and letting God and kind of embracing the mess through it all. Because I think when you let go and let God, you're kind of embracing what is and you're just saying, all right, take the wheel. It's everything's going to shit. It's all chaos, but I'm gonna let go and I'm gonna trust. That doesn't mean giving up. So I'm gonna talk about that.

And I think that's the stuff we an energy, you know, it's an energy, it's a mindset, it's a mentality, and that's going to dictate the way you take action and the way you continue to move forward and how your future continues to unfold. So. If you've been here for a while, you have probably listened to me share a little bit about my journey with my father's. Cancer diagnosis.

and his passing. So my father was diagnosed with stage four bio-duct cancer in February of 2024. So right at the start of the new year actually. And yeah, it took us for a whole world wind. It really turned our whole world upside down. And then our whole world got, I mean spun around even more when he passed away.

in October of 2024. So his fight with cancer wasn't very long, but it was very arduous and strenuous. And it took everything that he had to fight it. And it definitely put our entire family, not just like our immediate family, but even our extended family who are very close to us through a big

Rebecca Espinoza (04:59.062)
awakening in some ways and also an initiation at least for our immediate family. I'll speak for myself it thrusted me into a very unexpected initiation with grief, with death, with purpose, with you know God and letting go.

And I'm still going through it. I've, you know, it's January. I'm still processing this and it's, I'm going to be processing it for a very long time. It's not just a one and done thing. This is probably going to be a lifelong thing. I don't doubt it because my father was one of the most important people in my life. He was the one I was closest to in our immediate family. He was my biggest mirror, my mirror, my teacher and like a huge challenger.

you know, so many ways, I did a lot of healing with him. Our relationship wasn't perfect and therefore we did, we actually ended up doing a lot of together and it's something I'll always be grateful for. Yeah, but you know, throughout it all, all the last year, my whole life, it felt like I was thrust into chaos and it wasn't ending. It wasn't ending. I mean, I felt like I was being...

tested over and over and over. Meanwhile, also trying to figure out who do I want to be throughout all of this and who therefore do I want to be in my life in general? Who do I want to be in my communities? Who do I want to be for my family? What am I doing here on this planet? What is my purpose? Like seeing my dad so intimately. I mean, you know, I was intimately connected to death as well. But seeing my dad literally die.

I was there when he died and I was there through some other traumatic experiences with his journey with his health. I asked myself, like, what am I doing here on this planet? How am I living? Like, I could die tomorrow. The people that I love could die tomorrow. What am I doing here is a very existential awakening.

Rebecca Espinoza (07:12.01)
and it still comes up. And then there are moments where I kind of just don't want to deal with it at all. I don't want to ask myself these questions because it's very overwhelming. But I think it's a privilege to ask myself these questions. So I'm kind of here navigating it with you in real time in some ways. But in that experience and still in this experience, there have been many times where I've had to literally just be

kind of in acceptance that I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I don't know what I'm doing a lot of the times in life, especially when hardships like this hit unexpected health challenges with the people that you love that they can literally be ripped away from you in a matter of moments. Or even right now, you know, I live in Los Angeles and our world is literally burning.

Right now, people are losing their homes. We are facing the most catastrophic fire in history that LA has ever experienced in modern day society. it really puts things into perspective of like, what are we doing?

What are we doing? When is like that brought us here to be in this state? But on an individual level of like, what am I doing? Who do I want to be? And sometimes there are things also that I don't fucking have control over. And I am someone who can tend to want to have a plan. I wouldn't say I'm a perfectionist, but I the way my brain functions. I can be pretty good at planning and.

once I have my sights set on something, I take action to want to just go. And it's kind of like actually very bringing this into bringing this up right now, the power of the element of fire, ironically. Clearly, we're seeing the power of fire right now in Los Angeles. It's the element of transformation and passion and inspiration and momentum.

Rebecca Espinoza (09:31.16)
forward and if you are familiar with tarot, the fire element, the wands in the tarot deck of the arcana, it's representative of the fire element and that is a very just like if you look at the wands cards it's very just like inspirational and movement forward and just kind of creativity and fire has that ability to transform.

and is wanting to work with that energy that is in a healthy and positive way to transform in a way that is going to help you grow, help communities grow, help your family grow, whatever it is, help projects grow. So I tend to kind of sometimes get caught up in that fire energy a little bit too much. And I can start to just plan of like, what are the steps that I need to take to get exactly where I want to be and have my life where I want to be. And

Right now, this last year, I've had to literally toss all of that out the window because all the fucking planning that I'm doing and that I'm trying to take actions and steps to move forward. There's so many areas of my life right now that I mean, really feels like a lot of my life is kind of falling apart and it feels chaos. Like it feels like chaos and

Rebecca Espinoza (10:57.646)
I've had to let go. And even with my dad there, reached a point where I had to come to terms of there is nothing I can do to save my dad. There is nothing I can do. I have no say over his fate. My dad may have a say over his fate with, you know, if there's that perspective and holistic.

wellness and you know, the holistic medical world where it's just like the mindset that you have influences your body and that is true, I think to some extent. But I also believe that there is an unseen force working with all of this that we have no say. I believe and that's kind of, you those are opposing perspectives. Like I believe we do have a say and then I believe we also don't in some ways. Like I do believe that

that energy, the divine force has a greater plan that we potentially signed up for as individuals that for our life that even if we don't remember it, we chose to be in it. And it's just unfolding the way it was meant to. So with my dad's journey, I remember when it first started, his cancer journey. I remember praying every single day, part of my morning

practice and my ritual and I would pray every day on my mat in front of my altar. And my prayer was for him to have the strength to fight this and beat it and live a longer and healthier life. And as time went on and as his condition began to worsen and progress,

you know, the medical world couldn't do anything anymore. Even some of the holistic perspectives, the more natural routes we were taking, wasn't doing anything. I had to come to terms that, my dad's probably gonna die. And there is nothing I can do about that. I can't save him. I can't stop it. What I can do is be here with him, spend more time with him, even if that means literally just all we can do is sit on the couch and...

Rebecca Espinoza (13:22.89)
have shorter conversations because he doesn't have much of the strength to have normal length conversations anymore and just be with him and the little moments are that mattered.

So, and that, I can't tell you what switch it was, but I remember my prayer started changing. I started to pray for acceptance, for God to support me with acceptance and for the strength to accept.

the path, the higher path I was meant for my dad on his journey with his cancer diagnosis and the life he was meant to live. And for God to help my mom and my brother have the strength to do the same for that acceptance, that started to become my prayer. And for whatever more ease needed to be done for my dad during this path. Because at this point, I realized that

There was nothing I could do. No innovative medical treatment, whatever it was. If my dad was meant to live, he was meant to live longer. If he was meant to beat this diagnosis, he was meant to beat it. But he wasn't. His path was his path. And

Rebecca Espinoza (14:48.398)
I, every day was a day of being pushed even more into how much can you let go of, how much can you let go of your dad but still be here with him at the same time? How much can you let go of the future that you thought you were gonna have with your dad? How much can you let go of the thought of him being a grandparent for your kids and instead still...

be here now and trust that if what you're meant to have that in the future with him, you will because that's God's plan. And if you're not, you're not. And I remember when his diagnosis started.

We had a lot of family members say, he's going to get better, he's going to get better, he's going to get better. God has the last word, God has the last word, he's going to get better. And they were saying, it was like they were saying God has the last word, so he's going to get better because God's going to save him, of course. God is going to save him because your dad's a great person. So he has the last word, not the dot, or not he, but God has the last word, divine energy force has the last word.

not the doctors, not what they're predicting, God's gonna save your dad. And I remember nodding and smiling and, know, sure, they can say that to make themselves feel better. And I remember talking to my dad, we would talk about this actually, because we had a lot of similar perspectives in some ways and some opposed. But we both, what we had in common was our love and trust for God.

I don't know where my love and trust for God came from. It's, we'll say though, it's wavered a lot throughout this journey, but this is when I've had to learn to come deeper into God. And my dad was Christian. He was a born again Christian. I'm not religious, but I do believe in God. I believe in a higher force. I'm not opposed to...

Rebecca Espinoza (17:01.58)
religion. It's just not my path. I will say, you know, I'm not there's a connection I feel to feel like the essence of Christ and like the essence of the Magdalene. But I wouldn't say I'm, you know, Christianity is my religion. I feel like you can find the essence of Christ and Magdalene everywhere and in nature and things like that. And it's more of an essence, not so much of the physical being to me, at least anymore.

But I remember my dad and I used to talk about that and I told him, you know, I think it's kind of interesting that people say God has the last word, but we don't know what God's plan is. You know, what if God's plan was for him to live, my dad to live until he was 57, 58, and that was it? That was God's last word.

But they, my family wanted to believe that, you know, there was, God was a savior of in this way that they could save us from our own pain because we couldn't accept that my dad was dying and that he was gonna die. But.

letting go and letting God is accepting whatever God's plan is even if in the moment we feel like it's not quote the right plan or it's not the one we want but we don't know what it's going to spark because of that plan. We don't know the invisible string that's connected from this event to that event to that event to that event. It's a domino effect and it's all this divine orchestration that we can't see.

And I think that is so magical. And I'm like talking about it right now and I'm smiling and I want to cry because I think it's so beautiful and so divine to think about that, that there is this divine invisible string that is orchestrated and so intentionally crafted by this force, this higher force that is bigger than us and that is us also. And, you know, I

Rebecca Espinoza (19:21.792)
I've went through so much pain and I still go through so much pain because of this experience that I had with my father. But I trust and I trusted and I trust now that that was the plan and that was God's plan. And I now believe that my dad, you know, he's omnipresent. He is with God and he's back in the source of it all. And he's with me everywhere now.

and he's my ancestor that I can call upon and he can work through me in ways that maybe it couldn't have been done before. And that is such a gift and a blessing, although it hurts. And it's so multifaceted, know, there's, that's the, that's I think in some ways the gift, but also the curse of being human is to be able to feel it all at once.

You can feel the duality of our emotions. You can feel the grief of an experience, but also like the beauty and the joy of other parts of your life happening. And it's all happening all at once. Like I remember, you know, there was this big grief happening in my life because of my dad. And simultaneously though, I was also

making some life changes with my career and I was also dating someone new and I was happy in that way and my community was so fulfilling. It was having these like incredibly beautiful experiences with my people and there were moments where I was like I would feel overwhelmed because I would feel it all and then I would feel guilty for feeling happy about while I'm feeling also feeling happy while I'm experiencing this big moment of grief in this other area of my life. But that is the that is I think

the dynamic experience of being human. can experience it all if we let ourselves.

Rebecca Espinoza (21:34.818)
And you know, I'm still at a point, of course, where I'm still grieving. I'm so navigating a lot with my therapist. And I'm also navigating also lot of uncertainty with my purpose and my career path and just other areas of my life where I feel very unstable and not knowing what the fuck is going on and feeling like I'm stuck. And this was already happening last year, this feeling. And then with my dad's

Diagnosis and sickness and death, it was all just compiled and I just felt like my world was falling apart. You know what? I am in my Saturn return. So someone will say like, oh, this is normal, but this is a little bit too intense in my opinion. But everyone has their experiences with your Saturn return, but this is fucking a lot. But everyone says, you know, if you know how to transmit the medicine during your Saturn return, you're golden. So I'm out here trying. I'm not perfect with it, but I'm trying.

So how am I coping with all of this? How am I coping with the grief and with the mess and the chaos of life? And I think a big part of my journey with all of this has been acceptance, what I shared previously about accepting where my dad was with his diagnosis, and then also accepting just where I currently am in my life. And that's been really hard.

the acceptance of like, I don't have my life figured out. But also I think a big part of that is being able to open up with other people to other people about that. And then also being able to share like, my life isn't my life is not figured out either. There are a lot of people that I turn left and right and their lives are not figured out and understanding. Yeah, no shit, because we're human. How are we going to have it all figured out? We're not supposed to. And if we had it all figured out, how would we grow?

doesn't make any sense. Yeah, and accepting, as I mentioned, I don't know what I'm doing and how to navigate it and that's okay. And because of that, I can outsource, I can find support that can help me navigate it. So I've been a big proponent for this before and I will always be a big proponent for this, but therapy, therapy, therapy, or some sort of personal development guide or anyone. And again,

Rebecca Espinoza (24:00.194)
their resources, if you feel like you can't afford therapy, please, please, please check out BetterHelp or check out Open Path because you will find a lot more affordable resources for therapy on there. And just a little bit of a hack, you don't have to see your therapist every week. If your therapist tells you that you have to see them every week, don't see them because financially, if they know you're struggling and they're telling you have to see them every week,

They don't want to help you. So all the therapists that I've like, there was actually one therapist that did said that to me. I said, I'm sorry, then I can't work with you. That's not fair. Then all the therapists that I've enjoyed working with and understood that, you know, biweekly is totally OK. You can invest biweekly instead of weekly. So that will help with your, you know, finances, paying out of pocket for your therapy sessions. Side note. So therapy because

They will help you see your blind spots. They will help you.

Rebecca Espinoza (25:07.544)
Find compassion in areas that you lack compassion for yourself, a good therapist, you really would, or a personal development guide, or a coach, or whatever. And there was a moment with my therapist, the other night when I had a session with her, I was in tears and I was sharing about everything that I'm going through with still processing my grief and...

some of the trauma and feeling stuck in my life. And I was saying, there is something lacking inside of me that I can't get through this. Like I feel like something is in my subconscious that is keeping me stuck. I feel deficient. What is it? I need help getting out of it. And she was saying, look, a lot of the times it's easier to blame ourselves when things aren't going right. It's my fault.

for X, Y, Z. It's because I don't have this X, Y, Z because I'm not like this, therefore, this is why this is happening to me. And I will say, in the personal development world, and this is where we need to be careful because they will tell you, just change your mindset, change your mindset, change your mindset. And I believe it, I believe it, change your mindset. It's so important in seasons of your life when you're going through things, the mindset matters. And I'm gonna get into that a bit.

But I feel like there will be people out there telling you in the personal development world, which is why I've unfollowed a lot of coaches saying like, if you just change your mindset around certain things, things are gonna get better. And if you just like, you know, move through this, yeah, mindset block, it's gonna get better. And you know, my therapist said, yes, we're gonna work through some of that stuff, the mindset stuff, but sometimes it's hard to accept.

that the universe still does a really shit card. And this is where we are in life right now. And we just have to be in it and get through it the best that we can. And she told me, there is nothing that I see that is lacking. You've been doing everything that you can to move forward, to rise from the grief, to kind of, you know, look for new career paths and get on your feet and do what you need to do. Be there for your family.

Rebecca Espinoza (27:28.77)
take on the responsibilities. And she's like, this is where you are right now in life and that is just what it is. And instead it's her to become now, how do we respond to this season of life? Because again, it goes back to that invisible string. What if this is just where I'm meant to be in my life right now and be in this fucking chaos and in this discomfort and see and really dig what is the experience here?

that is going to make me into the woman that I know is gonna be fucking thriving in the future for myself, for my family, for my communities, for my projects, for whatever I pour into my heart into. The woman that I, who is navigating this season of life right now is going to make the woman that is gonna do all of that in the future. And I think I've been trying to like escape it, cause of course we don't wanna be in that fucking discomfort.

of this chaos, of this grief, of the uncertainty. And now I'm really being asked, it's like a whisper sort of I hear, by God from my soul to just fucking be here, just be here. And I had to do that also with my, I got really good at doing that actually with my family. I mean, with my journey with my dad last year.

I surrendered in ways that I've never fucking known. When I finally accepted my dad's death, it was wild. It was halfway through his cancer journey. And I was like, okay. again, my prayer started becoming, it's no longer about keep my dad around because I don't want to lose him. like, help me accept whatever is the higher path for my dad's highest good. If it's for him to leave, it's for him to leave early on and that's okay. And when he died,

that acceptance was there actually, it was there for me. I felt it in my heart and I just held my dad's hand and reaffirmed him that it's okay for him to go while he was dying. And I wouldn't have been able to do that if I didn't accept. And that's, feel like for him to have had that, I think would have was very supportive. And I don't think I would have been able to do that if I didn't find the acceptance prior to that.

Rebecca Espinoza (29:53.806)
And it's because I trusted in God. I trusted that God had the plan, whatever it was meant to be, even if it meant that I didn't get to have my dad any longer. So I'm back here again, where my life feels so fucking uncertain for again, so many different reasons. And I'm having to practice again, letting go and letting God while still taking aligned action.

This doesn't mean just giving up and not having a plan, whatever. Trust me, I'm still having a plan because that's who I am. I'm taking aligned action.

But I'm not trying to escape anymore. Well, actually now I'm actively going to practice not trying to escape because a few days ago I was still trying to escape. But I had this moment where I was like, OK, I'm just going to make the best of what I can right now in this situation of my life right now. And then I'm going to let myself fall apart too, because that's normal. That's part of being human. I'm going to let myself get fucking angry. I'm going to let myself.

feel the heartache and heartbreak and confusion and overwhelm and everything that it is, because why not? Like that's a part of it. That's a part of it. If not, it's just gonna fester and it's gonna bubble up and it's gonna harm me and then it's gonna harm the people in my life in some way because of the way I interact and relate if it's just festering in my body. So that is another way I'm dealing with this kind of

being embracing the mess is just letting myself fall apart. Like, gosh, I can't tell you how many times I've just cried while driving because it just hits me or like on my yoga mat or just like, I don't know. Just I have random moments where it just hits me and I'm like, OK, this is happening. Let's let it happen then. Let's fall apart. Even if it's just for like 30 seconds, let's just fall apart.

Rebecca Espinoza (31:56.622)
and then having the resources to regulate my nervous system to come back. So again, being resourced and if you don't have those internal resources, finding them through a therapist again or through like a podcast, whatever it is, finding those resources. And what's also been helping me is I'm throughout all of this is letting others hold me and being vulnerable and being witnessed in that because there is strength in numbers.

and you can't always hold yourself. And, you know, I love that feeling of like being held by God, but there is also this feeling of, no, I like to be physically and like emotionally held by my people because that makes a big impact to be able to know that.

If you can't stand on your own two feet, there are people around you who love you so much that will help lift you up and help you move forward. community has been essential for me throughout this. And

Rebecca Espinoza (33:05.688)
Finding peace and pleasure where I can because sometimes that's all that I have. And that sometimes in really small moments, I remember

a wave of grief hit me and I felt depressed. was actually wondering like, wow, am I getting depressed? Like this, do not feel well right now. And actually had a very emotionally just stimu- like very emotionally, yeah, open therapy session the night before. And I believe I think it was also like residual emotions just kind of moving the next day. And I kind of felt depressed.

and very lethargic and I could not, I didn't know how I was gonna function. I felt like a zombie moving through the world and during my lunch break at work, I would just cry in my car and with the moment I would get out of my car and I would feel the cool breeze on my face and just move my legs and go on my walk or listen to the music on my earphones. Like my body was just revived and I was like, my God, I need this. Hold on to this, hold on to the.

pleasure of feeling the coolness of the breeze and just like the gratitude of being able to move my body or like the joy being able to listen to music that grounds my nervous system. Like I had to really lean into that and hold on to that and that's all that I had in moments like that. So simple. So it's leaning into the moments, especially I would even say lean into the small moments that inspire peace and pleasure because I think it could be really common to try to find

pleasure in a more like escapism way, like seeking like pleasure as a distraction to get away from the grief and the discomfort instead of pleasure being a source of healing. So using pleasure as a form of distraction versus using pleasure as a form of healing, which I've done both. So for me, think pleasure as a form of healing is very subtle and it's the intentional.

Rebecca Espinoza (35:13.294)
pleasure that comes from presence versus the escapism that's like go, go to the big, big dopamine hit. Like I said, for me, was like, wow, this fresh air on my skin feels absolutely divine. Like I need this. And then moving, then going on my walk made it even better. And just kind of having my own world with the music that I chose, I was just immediately elevated.

So again, just finding the little things that can bring peace and pleasure when we need it most during these moments that feel like life is crushing us.

And again, speaking about mindset, I don't think I'm going to get too much into this because I think mindset is very nuanced and everyone has a different perspective. But I do think mindset matters when we're moving through this experience of embracing the mess. And I really had to learn like when is the right time to understand.

When is the right time to be in this moment of like, there's medicine in this and I just have to fucking surrender and I trust and also my very like human self that's like this fucking sucks and I don't want to be in this. I don't want to bypass the experience of what I'm going through right now.

and just be like, my God, there's so much medicine in this, it's fine, and we're gonna get through it and kind of avoiding and maybe seeking those distractions and the pleasure to escape and being like, nope, let's get out of this. No, I think there is a balance of being able to know when our mindset is helping us and when it's distracting us. So I think that's very nuanced and that takes a form of self-awareness.

Rebecca Espinoza (37:02.798)
Yeah, and for me, I know when to reframe and I mean, I'm going to be honest, I was like in in a moment for a little bit and you know, comes and goes of like, this fucking sucks and I need to escape. I'm trying to like get out of this really uncomfortable situation. I don't know what the fuck to do. Let's get out. Let's get out. Let's get out. I'm in survival mode. I need a solution. Like I'm freaking out. I'm going to distract myself. I'm going to go on to the next scene that's going to make me feel better. And and then also then

being in like the, this fucking hurts. And I feel hopeless. The hopelessness was so real and the hopelessness and the helplessness. And sometimes you just have to be in it.

Yeah, and I'm getting out of it and I would say it comes in cycles.

And again, having a community, having a therapist that can provide a mirror and a perspective when you need it to shift a bit if you can't do yourself is so important. And I think right now the reason I'm recording this episode too is because I am finding that I feel like I've lost a bit of my spiritual practice and a bit of my...

communication in some ways to God.

Rebecca Espinoza (38:24.596)
throughout this last, the last few months, I would say the last like five months or so for obvious reasons. But I'm getting to a point where I'm feeling the whisper of like, God is calling me home again. Just like that divine force is like come back to the altar in some ways, in small ways. Start with ritual and ceremony in the little ways again. Like ritual and ceremony used to be so important to me. Like it was like

my God, and now it's like, find myself like on my phone more, like in the mornings and just like, don't like disconnecting more and I'm breaking out of that now. I'm like, no, that's not where I wanna be. That is not what I wanna do. So I'm dropping into like, this is where I'm at with life right now. We've accepted it. We're gonna make the most while we can and honor with where we're at and then find the connection to God in the mundane again. Find the connection to God in our ritual and our ceremony that we create in our everyday life because I think

That is what helped me a lot get through some difficult moments is infusing ritual where I could because for me ritual felt intentional, it felt sacred, it felt divine and to me that felt like God and nature was a big part of that. So I'm kind of actually in a place of rediscovering what does my connection to God feel like again? What does it look like? What does my connection to these sacred experiences of ritual look like? And

because when I'm on my knees honestly when I was going through that experience with my dad I knew and that like I felt more connected to God because I was pushed down so much I was pushed down to my lowest abyss.

Rebecca Espinoza (40:17.186)
I was pushed down to my lowest abyss. That God.

I had nothing else. Like I'm like, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to move through this. I can't do this just with my own internal strength. need something more. Like I need a bigger force to help me get through this and to see the light. And that's how I felt like I really got through it was with God and praying and like feeling it in my heart, going to my altar, doing my rituals and my practices and connecting to nature.

falling apart in a forest and letting the earth hold me, seeing the messages delivered by nature when I go on my hikes, all of that was helping me navigate it. And because I think when I was on my knees, was God that was getting me back up. And I remember there was a moment with my dad that, I'm not gonna go into it too much actually, but there was a moment where I told him,

Dad, you're so strong. I can't believe like you went through it. Like you did this. You did this. You're so strong. And he just smiled and he said, it wasn't me.

Rebecca Espinoza (41:37.694)
And I knew exactly what he was talking about. It was for him, it was God. And I felt that so much with him. And I just, it was also a beautiful reminder of the truth of the strength that God provides when we open ourselves to receive and trust.

And I am back here at that point in my life where I need to trust, let go and let God for redefine what that looks like because it is, I think, a mutual relationship with that. You know, it's letting go and letting God. And then when you do that, though, receiving feedback of what's next and then taking the aligned, inspired action.

to move forward. And I'm kind of now reemerging from all of that. And you know, it's hard when the physical world gets so dense and the problems are so fucking real. Like it's like in your face, know, like everything is just building and you can't look away. And you're kind of like, okay, how?

How am I supposed to resolve this with just, you it feels like your resources are limited. You know, I don't know what's gonna come from this. Like I don't, but I do trust that something, I trust in my connection to God. I trust God and therefore I trust myself. Yeah, I don't know where it's gonna lead me, but I'm gonna keep practicing.

and I'll give you all an update. So thank you for being here with me listening to this rant in some ways, but I hope that it helped. If you have any similar experiences and you want to share with me, you're always welcome to. You can reach out to me on the Vida the podcast Instagram, or you can reach out to my personal account, or you can just send us a text through Spotify. That's a thing now. And or yeah, you can just

Rebecca Espinoza (43:59.82)
reach out to us and I'm happy to continue to engage in the conversation. And thank you for being part of the Vida community. See you next week.